Online relationships with people can be richly rewarding. They can also be extremely hurtful. I feel really hurt after reading an email today from an online acquaintance.
I had thought highly of this online acquaintance, up until today. I considered them a nice person and I enjoyed reading and commenting on their blog.
I noticed the other day that they had blocked me on Twitter. Concerned that I may have offended them in some way I sent them an email.
This acquaintance emails me today to inform me that they no longer wish to be associated with me. They said that I chase and attract drama with gusto.
I take great offense to this. I don’t seek out drama. I’ll admit that my online life isn’t completely drama free. Being the administrator of three communities, there’s always the potential for immature behavior by ex-members who violated guidelines to leak drama onto blogs and other online communities. (Sadly that drama has returned time and time again to haunt me years after it took place.)
When you administrate any large community you are bound to have the odd disagreement and even parting of bitter ways. Unfortunately the administrator is the one who ends up being criticized when things go wrong.
It is also easy for someone to forget that anyone can post all sorts of garbage on the Internet about anyone. This doesn’t mean any of it is true.
I’m also an activist. This alone can create internet drama, which was what happened here.
An individual I recently busted for copyright infringement involved one of my Twitter acquaintances in their infringement by stating they too were infringing on copyright.
Because of this, the acquaintance chose to cut ties with me. I can understand how they’d be upset over this, but it was not my fault that they got dragged into a copyright infringement complaint.
Frankly I don’t know why they were dragged into it. I also don’t think it is reason enough to say they do not wish to be associated with me. I even apologized that the infringing individual involved them in the mess.
I feel very hurt by all of this! I think I’m a good person. I stand behind what I believe in. I stand up for others, which was what I was doing when I outed this person for selling images she did not have rights to sell. I know that the entire copyright infringement didn’t involve me, but I involved myself in it.
It is like when you see someone shoplifting. Do you ignore it or do you say something about it?
This acquaintance states because we have only exchanged blog comments that I shouldn’t be effected by this. I am though!
They go on to say that “given the fact that we are not personal friends and have no relationship outside of trading a few blog comments ” that I should respect their decision. (I don’t consider more than 15 to be a few. I also do respect their decision, but I don’t agree with it. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter either as much as I would like to fix things with them.)
I can not change this person’s perspective of me, but I do feel that their choice to have no association with me wasn’t the best way or even a mature way to handle things.
I have to wonder too, what are we as a whole doing here? Isn’t blogging and networking with others via social networks like Twitter about building relationships and making new friends.
Do my regular readers not consider me to be a blogging friend?
I know I certainly enjoy the relationships I have met with my regular readers via my blog.
After reading the email this individual sent me I actually found myself crying. I don’t know why I let someones words offend me so, but I did. They manage to provoke an emotion response from me, which is very easy to do considering the circumstances taking part in my life right now.
I also don’t know why I’m sitting here now feeling obliged to defend my character all because of this person’s choice not to be associated with me.
I certainly can not change this persons perspective of me.
Ugg, maybe I shouldn’t even be making this post, but what are personal blogs for. Are they not for sharing how you feel?
I’ve got to say this to anyone who may be reading this: If you associate with anyone offline or online there is going to be some form of drama at some time, be it with a friend, family member or online acquaintance.
I know that our personal life can be hard enough and dealing with drama just adds to the stress. But, drama is a part of life. The key is to deal with the drama when it shows up. You don’t disconnect yourself from someone to avoid being part of the drama.
I have to wonder if this individual separates themselves from people as easily offline as they do online.
After all they had the gull to tell me they made an attempt to take them-self out of the way from continuing to be effected as collateral damage via my associations with others.
This acquaintance also stated that they had not spoken of their decision to cut ties with me publicly, but would if I peruse this.
Wouldn’t this not make them a hypocrite. Wouldn’t speaking of it publicly create the drama they so wished to avoid by being associated with the likes of me.
I also find all of this behavior by this acquaintance all very juvenile. What are we in grade school?
An online friend of mine once said to me “While at times you may be outspoken, you are loving and caring.”
Today is one of those days I guess I just need to remind myself that I can not change people’s perspective of me and if they wish to not be associated with me then so be it.
Life goes on, right?
You’ll notice I have not mentioned who this acquaintance (blogger) is nor do I plan to.
Moving on…………..
Rose DesRochersRose wears many hats. She's a wife, mother, respite worker, proud shih-tzu owner, blogger, published poet, freelance writer, as well as the owner and administrator of Today's Writing Community and Blogger Talk Blog Community. Feel free to contact her with any questions you may have.Rose DesRochers has 1224 post(s) at Rose DesRochers – World Outside My Window
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28 responses so far ↓
Wrote: Dec 10, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Well, I feel as though this question of whether a relationship on the Internet is “real”. I’ve actually been thinking about a lot. Even wrote a little bit about it here: http://rogerowengreen.blogspot.com/2009/11/november-ramblin.html Bottom line of which is that online relationships are at least as “real” as others.
Indeed, and I suppose I oughtn’t to bring this up, but you and I had had our misunderstandings. But it was important for me that you understood where I was coming from, without malice – and important for ME to understand that shorthand in an e-mailed message can be easily misconstrued .
So, yeah, your relationship, to be clinical about it, has value to me.
Rose DesRochers Reply:
December 10th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Thank you Roger! It’s very easy to misunderstand someone in an email. We worked through it though.
Wrote: Dec 11, 2009 at 2:12 am
Aahhh People can be very fickle. I feel for you and know exactly what you mean.
The internet and Social Media has brought to us a new form of relationships. Some say that they are meaningless and fake. I beg to differ.
Remember, you can never please everyone all the time.
A fantastic post. At Blogengage there is a weekly word challenge, where you blog and submit a post around a weekly “Word Challenge”. This then get back linked and promoted. This post is ideal for that challenge. Check it out.
http://www.blogengage.com/blogger/blog-engage-weekly-word-challenge-is/
Rose DesRochers Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Thanks Robert. I guess I should quit dwelling on someone that could dismiss me so easily & start looking at those who have stood by me.
Wrote: Dec 11, 2009 at 2:30 am
First, I’m here!
Second, to pick on you a little bit and analyze you also, after the first time when you spelled it correctly, you’ve written “acquittance” rather than “acquaintance” every other time. Freud would say that you’re trying to acquit yourself for the wrong you feel you’ve suffered, kind of an indirect Freudian slip. How’s that for an analysis?
Third, I’m going to tell you a major truth. Most online relationships aren’t relationships at all. People come and go, and that’s just how it is. I write two newsletters, and sometimes people decide to unsubscribe. If I took it personal every time they did that I’d have gone crazy years ago.
I also add and drop people all the time on Twitter. I don’t add tons of people first, but I always check someone out to determine if I’m going to follow them. If I don’t agree with their politics, or they’re driving me nuts in some of what they write, then I bail and move on. If they find out later, so be it. The truth is that many people follow me just to get me to follow them, then drop me later on also.
If you’re going to take stands online, you have to expect that not everyone will like it, or will stick by you through thick and thin. Also, you really need to know who your friends are when times get tough, and it’s not everyone. For instance, if you read the post that generated the one where you contacted me from, you’ll see that I came to the defense of my online friend Sire, someone I’ve known online for about 3 years now. I wouldn’t do that for everybody, but he and I have truly established a great online relationship. I know I can count on him, and probably two or three other people I haven’t met in person. Everyone else I’m friendly with, but some people I’ve been friendly with on my blogs have disappeared; so be it.
Anyway, I hope you see where I’m coming from. I don’t allow anyone I don’t know to upset me in any way. I’m online for my own reasons, but none of them involve taking one on the chin at any time. People get one shot, then I’m gone, and that’s that. And if they leave, my life has just gotten easier.
I bet you weren’t expecting all that, eh? That’s what you get for inviting me! lol
Rose DesRochers Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Mitch I guess we are just two different people. Thank you for correcting that slip up. For some reason Firefox wanted to keep spelling acquaintance-acquittance. lol
Wrote: Dec 11, 2009 at 2:37 am
Rose I am sorry you had to go through all this, especially when you were only doing the right thing.
The fact is that although we are a community, it’s a heck of a lot easier to cut cyber ties than it is to cut emotional real life ones. I had to do it not long ago because of the way someone, pretty well known I may add, treated a long time commenter, and whom I now regard as a friend, rather harshly.
The thing is, because it was all easy because I’ve never met him personally, and being online it’s easily done.
Don’t let it get to you.
Rose DesRochers Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Sire let me tell you a story. I once had an online friend I thought the world of. She became very sick & I helped both her & her husband through the hard time. I sent her flowers to let her know I was thinking of her, constantly stayed in touch with her hubby, phoned her etc. In the end she ended up hurting me. It wasn’t easy to just cut ties with her as I considered her a dear friend.
I guess as far as cutting ties it depends on the depth of the friendship.
Wrote: Dec 11, 2009 at 2:42 am
Its hard to believe and trust a person online.. Now a days it really became like a online drama.. Nice Post
Rose DesRochers Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Rajesh, yes it is. Having been hurt in the pass by a long time online friend it’s not easy to trust.
Wrote: Dec 11, 2009 at 4:54 am
Hi Rose,
If you’ve lost an online friend, then consider me his replacement!
I’ve had a bit of criticism for a recent blog post and all I can say is that while not used to the first couple of criticisms, I soon found myself growing thicker skin. I’m tougher now than ever before as a result, without becoming bitter.
Hang in there, Rose.
Rose DesRochers Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Thanks Gordie! Nice to meet you. I guess if someone wants to dismiss me because I don’t meet up to their standards, then that is their problem.
Wrote: Dec 11, 2009 at 5:10 am
Hey Rose, you seem to be wearing your heart on your sleeve with this post.
You really can’t please everybody all of the time and disagreements, when handled in a certain way, can help people to grow as individuals.
There is nothing quite like that ‘need’ to vent feeling and I hope this post brings you some closure on this event.
Just keep you last sentence in mind: ‘moving on’…
Karl
Rose DesRochers Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I am wearing my heart on my sleeve here. To be honest: I can be my own worse enemy. I let people get the better of me.
Wrote: Dec 11, 2009 at 6:36 am
We all will upset someone online at some point. What’s important is that we don’t allow their view of us to define how we feel about ourselves. Their negative opinion should not affect our mood, or they win. This is just one person’s decision. It has nothing to do with you. Tomorrow they’ll get on someone else’s case.
On another topic. I see you have an article on how to add a retweet button on your blog. I’ll link to this on my writing blog. I think it’s very useful for my readers.
Rose DesRochers Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Thank you Anne.
Wrote: Dec 11, 2009 at 9:24 am
I’ve been in this position before. Being the owner of a large social network you can image I don’t get a long with everyone even more so their idea or understanding of what social networking should be.
I always promote building relationships. Not the fake king you can disregard after a dew day but the kind when you call people by their first name.
The reality here Rose and you said it best in your closing lines it’s time to move on. Don’t lose sleep, let them go on their way and you will see social life goes on.
I’ve made some big mistakes so far in my social career. Some say bad things about me while others say nice things. I have don’t thing I cannot turn around and I have broken relationship I don’t think I can eve fix.
The point is we cannot allow this to stop what we are meant to do in life and that’s build more relationships. I’m glad to hear you have moved on and I hope over the next few weeks you can work on moving on from this horrid situation.
Robert is right you should submit this article to our word challenge I think it would be an excellent addition to the list.
Nice meeting you,
Brian
Wrote: Dec 11, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Yeah, Firefox is sneaky like that lol
Rose DesRochers Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
It sure is. lol
Wrote: Dec 11, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Rose, it’s probably harder for a woman as you are more emotional.
I have a cousin who has disowned me because , for personal reasons we couldn’t come to her daughters wedding. We still sent a gift when she returned by mail saying what a lowlife unchristian bloke and how my family and I would rot in hell.
Sure I was a little miffed but being a bloke I just shrugged it off. I haven’t spoken to her or her daughter since. Still speak to her sons, we just don’t bring her up.
Wrote: Dec 12, 2009 at 12:44 am
I remember in the beginning of blogging, I took it personally when people unfollowed me on Twitter, de-friended me on Facebook, unsubscribed, or otherwise disconnected from me online.
Then I began to realize that people just value friendships differently, a lesson I’ve learned recently both online and offline. While their interests, ideas, and thoughts are in alignment with yours, they can seem like they want to create a real online relationship with you. But as soon as anything goes out of alignment, they dissolve that relationship with the click of a button and align themselves with a someone new who is in alignment with their current state of interests, ideas, and so forth.
Online relationships are especially fickle. It would be like dating someone, things are going great, and then all of the sudden they decided they like green instead of blue, and you wore a green shirt the day they decided, so they dump you and start dating someone wearing a blue shirt. Yes, it seems absurd, but sometimes that is all it takes, one little absurd seemingly unmeaningful thing to turn a online friendship sour.
But you can’t restrain yourself from being who you are or writing about what you want to write about because you are afraid of someone severing their ties with you over it. Because for every online friendship that ends over your honesty, there is another one that begins because of it.
~ Kristi
Rose DesRochers Reply:
December 13th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Kristi what a beautiful comment. The last part is so true. Thanks for reminding me of that.
Wrote: Dec 12, 2009 at 8:47 pm
It’s hard to know who will stand by you online or off. Better this happened now rather than later when you may have confided in them only to have them hold it against you. These things will happen when you put yourself out there, though. And I’m sure you’ve had more positive encounters than negative or you wouldn’t keep subjecting yourself to this kind of scrutiny ~ I think.
Oh, and Sire has a point with the emotional thing. I hate to admit it, but I am more sensitive to these types of things and I’m almost positive it’s because I’m female. But I’m working on it ~ the emotional part, I like being a female.
Wrote: Dec 13, 2009 at 2:10 am
You are absolutely breathtaking.
(Commit edited by admin, because I can.)
Wrote: Dec 13, 2009 at 11:15 am
Found this through Sires blog and the comment luv. Don’t take it too personal, you can’t please everyone all the time. Most comments here already said the same thing but I just wanted to say I agree.
Wrote: Dec 13, 2009 at 10:38 pm
@ Anne – I think I prefer you as a female, emotions and all, and I’m not just saying that because you are one of the few women who have ever agreed with me
Wrote: Dec 17, 2009 at 4:00 am
Sorry you have to endure an idiot’s way of problem avoidance, cause that’s what it sounds like to me!
If someone stole my design, I’d be filing a lawsuit-
It is so easy to drop folks cold online tho-I’ve been effected by past broken blogger ties myself-
There., there, it wasn’t your doing!
SnaggleTooth´s last blog ..Belly Work
Rose DesRochers Reply:
December 18th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Thanks Snaggle. I appreciate your comforting words.