When someone loses a baby be it through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, still birth or infant death it is still a loss. I realize that sometimes people just don’t know what to say, but you know at times it is best not to say anything at all.
Everyone’s experience will be different and unless you have suffered a loss you can not really comprehend what someone else is going through and even if you have loss you can only sympathize because we really are separate individuals and we all feel pain differently.
Having loss two babies myself one due to ectopic pregnancy and my daughter due to doctor negligence I still can not get over what some people say. I know they really mean well, but a short life or even an unborn life can make a huge difference to our lives.
I was reading a discussion today that really disturbed me. It was the things that were said to a woman who just experienced a loss.
Just because her baby was not yet born, her baby’s life is not worth any less. When someone has a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy, she still needs time to greive because it is still the loss of her baby. There is no time limit for grieving.
The following things are commonly said and they shouldn’t be.
“Maybe its God’s way of giving you a chance to get everything in order when ever your ready to have another one its going to be ok.”
“Maybe, it is not yet the right time for you to have a baby.”
“Don’t be sad there is always a second chance.”
“It was meant to be.”
“I know the feeling of losing a foetus even though it is not born yet.”
“I know how it would feel to lose a child.”
“I hope you’ll overcome this sooner so that your life goes on.”
“You are still very young and you can always have another baby.”
“It was probably for the best.”
“Better it happened now, rather than later.”
Miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, still birth, infant death or child death all are very different but each one of them is still a bereavement. Please understand that the person has lost a life and just because the baby wasn’t born does not mean it shouldn’t hurt less.
A loss is a loss. It can take months or even years to grieve a loss. My daughter has been gone 15 years and it still hurts.
I do not believe a parent can ever get over the death of a child or baby, because they were apart of them.
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6 responses so far ↓
Wrote: May 12, 2007 at 9:30 pm
Rose, it is good that you are speaking out for all the mothers, yourself included, who are still hurting. Your words may prevent one of us from unintentionally saying the wrong thing in the future; you will have made a difference. I’m sorry you lost your children, both times. I honestly don’t know how else to say it.
Wrote: May 12, 2007 at 10:01 pm
I agree with you 100 percent, when you don’t what to say or you never had that experience yourself, the best policy is not to comment. Only another who has experienced such loss, truly understands what the person feels. It is a loss and there is no way that words like “it was meant to be” can comfort anyone. I’ve heard those words and they do sting, even though the people mean well who are saying them.
Wrote: May 13, 2007 at 12:11 am
Well I have never lost a child so I can’t relate to the pain that is inside your heart and those that have my friend I can say I’m always here for you anytime you need me though ((HUGS))
Wrote: May 13, 2007 at 10:57 am
We were getting ready to move house when I miscarried and the only thing my mother-in-law ever said was, ‘Well, it would have been difficult moving if you’d been 8 months pregnant.’ We’d have managed!
Unfortunately people don’t realise they can just say they’re sorry and feel they have to say something cheering.
Wrote: May 16, 2007 at 9:57 am
We never really know how to react to death. Death of a parent or a child leaves the survivors empty. Only time will cover the hold, but the hole itself will always be there. Unfortunately most of us are clueless about what to say. Sometimes we should say nothing. We should just listen.
Wrote: Jul 19, 2007 at 12:10 am
Yes, I know of this pain. I was told as i was being rushed to emergency with my first ectopic pregnancy – don’t worry there will be no scar.
NO SCAR?!
Thank you for writing this list of what not to say. I hope it prevents other grieving mothers from hearing such insensitivity.