“One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be taken away unless it is surrendered.” —Michael J. Fox
Girls are more vicious then boys. If two boys have a disagreement they go out have a fight, and then its over. Girls they tend to hold a grudge against each other. Girls can be down right vicious. If a girl has a problem with another girl they will do everything in their power to destroy her. I remember being bullied in high school.
I think being bullied, my eating disorder and trying hard to fit in all had a negative impact on my self esteem as a teen and it most likely played a huge factor in the way I see myself today. It wasn’t easy going through high school as an outcast. I went right from high school into an abusive relationship. I was his punching bag, and if I fought back, the abuse got worse.
Once he got angry with me at a party. He grabbed me by the hair, pulled me down a flight of stairs, and begun punching me in front of everyone. I was so humiliated. He always apologized and promised never to hit me again, but he always did and blamed me for making him angry. Everything was my fault. I used make-up to cover my bruises and I started to believe that it was the only love that I was deserving of. I stayed with him for a year, because I didn’t have the courage to walk away. If it wasn’t for one of my friends at the time, I have no doubt that my story would have had a different ending.
One night, I went out to the bar with a friend. When I came home he threatened to kill me. Had I not left him that night, he most likely would have. One month later, he ran into me on my way to meet a date for drinks. He begun pushing me around and ended up spraining my arm. That was the last time he hurt me. I ended up pressing charges and put him away for six months.
I’ve not seem him in 18 years though 8 years ago he called me out of the blue. I got a restraining order against him.
Shawn and I have been together 18 years now. He treats me great, but sadly it has taken a great deal of self-esteem building to be able to leave my past behind.
My physical bruises are no longer showing, but the emotional wounds never fade. Physical abuse leaves one angry, and aggressive. Shawn taught me about real love. He has stayed with me through all the years I struggled to find myself. There is love after abuse.
It took years of both physical and emotional abuse, before I was able to get the courage to stand up for myself and not allow myself to be victimized. Low self-esteem is something that sadly I still struggle with today. Low self-esteem is both painful and difficult to overcome, yet I have devoted myself to excellence in all that I do. I will not allow myself to fail, as I spent too many years being told that I was nobody.
If I could go back and give my teen self some advice, I would tell her that she is somebody and she is worthy of being love and that no one can make her feel inferior without her consent.
I am somebody. I didn’t realize it then, but I do now.
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8 responses so far ↓
Wrote: Jan 16, 2007 at 4:29 pm
I too went through a similiar past and the effects are still with me. I now have a loving husband of 20 years and he has helped me see that I am loved and I can give love back to others. The cycle does not have to continue and we can slowly build our self esteem up. But, there will always be times when the past creeps in and I feel inferior to others. For the most part though, I have made leaps and bounds. I too had a eating disorder called anerexia. You are loved by many Rose! You have achieved so much. We don’t need to be perfect anymore to be loved. Only be ourselves and the best in us will be brought out. You go girl!!
Hugs, Nicole
Wrote: Jan 16, 2007 at 6:03 pm
This was something that our 3 girls and we talked about constantly. They would see the abuse around them and fortunately learned to not get trapped. Not only should girls learn that they have worth, but the boys should be taught how to behave.
Wrote: Jan 16, 2007 at 6:29 pm
This is very emotional Rose. You are a wonderful person who is worthy of love. I’m so glad Shawn has helped show you that with his love, along with the love of your children.
Like Nicole said,you have the love of your friends here too. We at Today’s Woman all think you are amazing. ((HUGS)) You have went through a lot my friend and we’re all here for you.
Wrote: Jan 16, 2007 at 6:46 pm
hmm.. looks like everyone has a rough patch in life before they find true love like what you’ve found in Shawn.
In a relationship, losing someone is the hardest and we put up with all sorts of pain/humiliation/suffering. Good you took that step on moving out.. The positive side of it is that you became a better person, learnt to step up in life and realised the value of love.
cheers guys
D
Wrote: Jan 16, 2007 at 6:58 pm
My eldest daughter was on her way to one of these relationships when she was in high school. I thank God that she broke it off fast and after a few conversations with the young man he was more afraid of me than he was of persuing her.
Life can be cruel if one lets it. Bless You Always, Paul
Wrote: Jan 16, 2007 at 10:11 pm
wow Rose. Powerful post. I don’t even know what to say, other than I cannot comprehend how anyone, male or female, could lay a hand on someone they love in anger, or emotionally abuse them. I will never understand it…
Wrote: Jan 17, 2007 at 6:01 am
Great post Rose, it saddens me that you had to go through something like this, but i am very happy that you have a great husband and family now.
Clairex
Wrote: Jan 18, 2007 at 9:30 am
Thank you for sharing this Rose, you made me think about my own past and self hating behaviors.
It is because of how lasting the effects of a painful childhood can be that I think being a parent is the most awesome responsibility there is.
Be sure to thank your husband for me…it sounds like he did a good job of showing you just how worthy of love you are. I’ll thank my own husband tonight.