“I’ll lend you for a little time a child of mine.” He said, “For you to love her while she lives and mourn for when she’s dead.”
I’ve had trouble sleeping the last few nights and at this very moment, I find myself fighting back tears.
Right at this moment, I feel somewhat disconnected from everything around me. I find my mind wandering back to 14 years ago today. At that time, I was pregnant awaiting the arrival of my daughter Katie. Who would have known that five weeks following June 17th, my life would change and I would learn one of life’s hardest lessons of all.
My daughter was ours for those five weeks, but just not ours to keep. After my daughter’s death I tried very hard to understand why God would do such a cruel thing. I had thought all my life that his job was to love. For a long time, I blamed him.
It wasn’t until my mother took ill that I begun to understand.
Though Katie was only in my life a short time, she made an impact on my life.
When I close my eyes, I see fragile long lashes, her eyes first opening, tiny finger’s that grasped onto mine. These are things that I’ll never forget and though Katie’s time on earth was short lived, the memories will live with me forever. I don’t think one every truly stops grieving and how we grieve is so personal and different for everyone.
I’ve met some that never talk about the loss of their child and then there are those who reach out, just hoping to talk to someone who understands what they are going through.
I realize that many won’t know what Saturday is. They have no way of understanding why I’m extremely moody this time of year. They won’t know why I’m so withdrawn and that’s ok, they are not expected to. For them Saturday will be just another day, but for me it will be a day of what if. It will be a day that I’ll celebrate my daughter’s birth and greive for God called her home too soon.
It will be the day that I’ll whisper, “Happy Birthday Katie” and hope she hears me.
I do hope she’s celebrating in heaven.
If you liked this post, why not buy me a coffee?
RSS
20 responses so far ↓
Wrote: Jun 14, 2006 at 12:56 am
It’s hard to believe that Katie has been gone so long; I still remember it like it was yesterday holding her in my arms. She had her mother’s eyes and my complexion. She would have definitely been a heartbreaker just like her older sister and probably the charmer just like her younger brother.
What we wouldn’t give to catch a glimpse of her once more, our little angel.
People may not understand, but that’s ok – as she was ours and ours alone and we will be with her again one day.
Loved always and forever..
~Shawn
Wrote: Jun 14, 2006 at 9:18 am
**hugs** Rose, your post really touched me. You are right, that is the hardest test for a parent. But as your title aptly says, our children are lent to us. Some for a short time and some longer, but the time we have them is always special to us.
Wrote: Jun 14, 2006 at 1:42 pm
Thank you JMom. I feel blessed to have had those five weeks with her. Sometime next week, I plan on going to the cemetery. It’s been a while since I’ve done that!
Shawn, I love you too. I couldn’t make it without you.
Wrote: Jun 14, 2006 at 2:17 pm
How tragic! It hurt to read it. My child #2 is a girl named Katie (5 yr. old) so that made this harder to read.
I love your writing, though.
Wrote: Jun 14, 2006 at 2:39 pm
Oh my gosh, Rose, there are no words to express how I feel after reading that post. But I’ll try.
I cannot even begin to imagine that kind of pain. You have lived every parent’s worst nightmare, and I am so, so sorry for your loss.
I am amazed, though, at your spirit and your faith. You are an inspiration….truly.
God bless you and your family.
-Dawn
Wrote: Jun 14, 2006 at 4:10 pm
thank you 4 stopping by. i am really sorry 4 ur loss….
how are you feeling?
Wrote: Jun 14, 2006 at 5:28 pm
First I want to say Thank you for stopping by my blog. I would also like to say that my prayers and thoughts are with you. I can undestand why this time of year would be so terribly hard for you. I pray that God bring you peace.
God Bless You and Yours,
With Love In Christ,
Cindy
Wrote: Jun 14, 2006 at 9:59 pm
*hugs* Rose and Shawn.
I know this is a very difficult time for your family. Please know you are all in my prayers.
Wrote: Jun 14, 2006 at 11:29 pm
Andrew, thank you for commenting and I’m sorry that it hurt to read my post. I do understand why and thank you for your comment regarding my writing.
Kai, I’m ok. Thank you for asking. I’ve gone through the stages of bereavement. Once you loose a child, your life is never the same again. But, you’ll get to the place in life when you can talk about your child with the momories that you hold onto.
Cindy Thank you for your kind words.
Faye, thank you hun.
Wrote: Jun 14, 2006 at 11:51 pm
:hugs: I have never lost a child, but I have lost someone I loved very much. Katie will always feel your love, no matter what.
Wrote: Jun 15, 2006 at 12:03 am
This touches my heart so much I am so blessed to be your friend, and I know how much you miss Katie she is in Heaven watching down on you and smiling down with all the love she has for you.
I’m here for you and your family too you have been wonderful friends to me, and I am truly blessed to know you and will be here for you ((HUGS))
Wrote: Jun 15, 2006 at 2:04 am
I don’t have the words to express how sorry I am for your loss. I can’t even fathom the pain you went through are are still feeling.
I believe that you will be reunited with her one day. May you be comforted by that thought.
Wrote: Jun 15, 2006 at 3:52 am
Rose,
Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I am not a parent, so I can only imagine the pain this time of year can bring you.
I will say a prayer for you and your family.
Thank you, also, for checking out my blog and commenting,
- Hal
Wrote: Jun 15, 2006 at 8:46 am
I’m very sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel. Hugs.
Wrote: Jun 15, 2006 at 9:47 am
I wept as I read this moving post.
I wish you very blessing and a special touch of God today.
shirley
Wrote: Jun 15, 2006 at 12:45 pm
Panda, thank you.
Steve, you are a good friend. I know that Sunday will be hard for you. You’re in my prayers.
Mommy of the record, I too believe that I will see her again too.
Hal, thank you for your prayers.
Phil, ((((hugs))))
Petite, thank you for the hug.
Deirdre, my condolences to your loss. Thank you for your lovely comment.
Wrote: Jun 15, 2006 at 4:41 pm
Rose,
I have felt loss before- but now that I’m a new mother, I can’t imagine bearing what you experienced. Thank you for sharing and you will be in my prayers.
Meredith
Wrote: Jul 16, 2006 at 6:48 pm
We will never forget our dear child. And it’s those anniversaries and birthdays that are triggers of those memories.
Wrote: Mar 7, 2008 at 11:43 am
Not only do I feel your pain, but have lived it every day for 36 years. I had the most beautiful little girl “Heather” born June 6th 1972, she died died July 3rd 1972 our lives were wrenched apart by this. But you do move on…I had more children 2 girls and a boy and the’ve grown up with her as their sister even though she was here before them and for such a short time. I am truly blessed today with grandchildren, whom I love dearly. But in my heart will always be the space left by this little girl…”Love you forever was never more true”
Wendy
Wrote: Mar 11, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Wendy my condolences. Some only dream of angels. You and I have held one.